I'm not even going to bother translating all that bullshit, but here's what it probably says:
Willplayer and Miketrix042 are cool buddies, and I wish I could buttfuck myself ... problem is I don't have any arms ... that's right, I type with my toes. I tried to masturbate but that is so hard to do nowadays, the only thing close to getting me off is my chihuahua. My parents both died in a car accident and I wish I had died with them. Poor me.